one of my fears

One of my fears, and right now i'm vaguely aware of quit a few, but bat them from the front of my brain when I see them peaking at me, like wacking at gnats or wasps, and they usually go back away.
But one of them is about the world of old white women.
It's not about old white women attacking me or shunning me or doing anything to me.
It's a fear of becoming a caricature of one.  A stereotypical one.  A giant thoughtless joke of one.
Not very politically correct of me, but a vision of Ruth Buzzi in Laugh-in comes to mind.  Hair net, drooping stocking, glum face.
But the appearance is not much of a fear.  Genetics decided to give me my paternal grandmother's visage at this age, a fearsome looking woman with permanent bitch face. (and if one more person tells me to smile, I'll wack them with my giant old lady purse).  Hair, long, again, as it grows too fast and it's always easier to grab a hairband than just about anything.  But, with it slowly changing from wavy dark brown to Einstein gray frizzle, it is not looking very well kempt at anytime.
The actual fear is of the insular world that so often overtakes women of a certain age.
Where suddenly, your whole world is your children and spouse, and if no spouse, just the children.
Where everyone that is not your child or your spouse becomes---scary, threatening, "oops, where is my phone, that man walking in front of my house is going to rob me, that car drives down this street every day, I think he is casing my house"

I know, you are wondering where such a weird fear came from.

But, I've seen it plenty.  Older white women that still work that won't let the housekeeper in the office to get the trash unless she can watch them.  Get in an elevator with a nonwhite person, the purse goes into a full body hug.  Walking down the side walk and a person in a hoody is coming towards you, run, run and scream.

My own grandmother, not the one I look like, the one that looked younger than she was and lived forever, wouldn't let anyone but relatives--and only those she liked and trusted for 4 generations do home repairs.  When she died, the sheet rock was falling off the studs.  You would have though she house was full of antiques (it was) worth millions(they were not--they were just her old stuff).

But, in less than a month, I've seen how the world could close in, become quite small and the bigger world very scary.  I've talked to my children, grandchildren, my children's spouses, the grocery store checkout clerk, the telemarketer, the teller at the bank, and none of those conversations were longer than 5 minutes.

In truth, conversations with family tend to be about "catching up",  "what have you been doing" "nothing, how about you".  If you want to make your family members eyes roll back into their heads, start a conversation about an actual topic, a book you are reading or a show you are watching, a political (plenty of those, these days) subject or a scientific finding just coming out.  They shut down so quick that I'm shocked more of them don't lose their balance and fall on their butts.

I do now know that asking grandkids about school is a one word answer--"nothing".  So much for teachers exciting them with new information.

But, how do you keep from becoming that fearful, timid old white woman, and I suppose she wouldn't have to be white, but most of the ones I met have been.  It's like a role, a caretaker with no one to take care of, a person with protectors that no longer has them around, a person whose mind has never had to think for itself vs is now not allowed to think for itself.

Or is it just the normal fear of death that has been attached to some "other".  Death is no longer a normal, natural part of life, but is rather an externally caused problem  that those people not like us are determined to inflict us with.

Or is it just a victim mentality--I should be rather safe from that.
Or is it a recognition of diminishing strength and cognitive ability.
Or is it a lifetime belief that women need to be protected and taken care of.

Nevermind, I'm going on amazon and finding a crossword puzzle book.